I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.
Vincent Van Gogh
February 13, 2020. The sting of the cold wasn’t enough to push me back inside. The glow of the disseminating moon tried to take over the entire night sky, but still, they managed to shine through. Stars twinkled in every direction, how could I take it all in at once? I reached into my pocket in attempt to capture the moment to save forever.
Can a moment really be preserved in a photograph? In a video? A photo is worth a thousand words, and a video is a thousand pictures, so it should work... right?
Photography and videography is a beautiful art and I'm so grateful for them. HOWEVER, I've noticed that, especially since Ellie has been born, I've had a really unhealthy desire to photograph and video every single moment. I've had major anxiety and panic attacks after minor glitches in our hard drive out of fear of losing everything--all of those photos, all of those memories.
I know deep down that the memory is still there inside of me. I have an especially good memory when it comes to special moments--big and small. Yet somehow, I still have this need to pull out my phone every other second to document every milestone for Ellie or my family or my business. I can sincerely say that it isn't even in attempt to boast and brag online because about 88% of the photos and videos I take never even make it to my social media pages.
So why do I do it?
After meditating a little bit on it, I've come to realize that the root of the problem is my lack of pause. I've known for a while that this has been a weakness of mine--I'm always on the go, always moving, always growing, always learning. This growth mindset is an incredible tool, but I very rarely find the balance or harmony between that intense movement with a deep pause. I think this is why I am constantly taking photos of every moment--so that I can come back to it later and enjoy it when I have time. I record every moment so that I can "do now, and feel later." I never learned to prioritize this exploration of my emotions.
We are currently staying at Dos Picos Campgrounds in Ramona, California and the night sky is so incredible. I can't wait to see what it looks like during the new moon. I went out last night to take in all that beauty. It allowed me to snap back to reality and recognize the insane pace that I've been keeping for so long. You'd think that as a yoga instructor, especially one who teaches based on the moon cycle, I would understand the importance of difference seasons and times to move and put things into action and times to rest and pause and just absorb all that is around me. I guess I thought that meditating and slowing down in my yoga practice was enough, and that I could just continue at my normal pace as soon as I left my mat. Thank God I was called out on my inconsistency.
My goal moving forward, is to be more intentional and take time to slow down and enjoy the beauty of every moment. Specifically, whenever I feel the need to rush to get my phone, I want to first pause and really soak it all in. I want to go through all five senses--what do I see, hear, taste, feel, and smell in this moment? Once I do that, if it's still continuing on and I still feel that need to photograph it or take a video, I won't shame myself out of it.
This journal entry is intentionally posted without photos or video. I realized that it also adds another challenge for me to create something a little more meaningful and deeply inspired by my experiences. It inspires me to write in a different way, to move, to paint, to draw, to create art in that moment to express what the experience really felt like in my body, mind, and soul.
My prayer is that this speaks to all of you reading this and inspires you to spend more time truly feeling each moment. I hope that it reminds you to slow down and realize that every day is a once in a life-time experience. Even if you had your whole life recorded on camera, watching it play back is not going to be anywhere close to feeling the same as soaking it all up as it's happening. Take time to allow yourself to just be present.
Namaste,
Keila