thoughts on embodied boundaries and finding your YES to know your NO
March 7, 2023 | Full Moon in Virgo | Keila Sachi Gaballo (they/she)
Below is an edited version of a transcript of the raw Soundcloud audio at the top of this blog. I’ve added some additional thoughts here and there and of course deleted my um’s, likes, and stutters haha! There is also a video version at the bottom of this post for those of you who want the audio, but would like to, or need to see it with captions. I just want to make all my content as accessible as possible for you all! Enjoy :)
Hi there. This is Keila, and I'm going to be trying out a new form of content creation (for me). There are so many things I want to teach and write about and say… and I've found that blogging, even though I love it, takes a lot of energy out of me and I overthink things. It takes me ages to write down just a simple idea (or not so simple) and to just get my thoughts out. It takes a long time (for me) in writing. I thought this topic, especially, is a perfect one to start off with this form of recording first (of talking and speaking), doing the audio version of this, to just get my stream-of-consciousness-style thoughts out without putting too much pressure on myself. And that way you also get to hear what's truly sitting on my heart and what comes to my mind.
So that being said, this first blog/podcast (it's not an official podcast, but I don't know, maybe I'll turn it into an official podcast that I post to all the platforms someday…) that I really want to bring up is one that I was able to connect with and cover with my somatic coach/practitioner. Last week we touched on the topic of the word “NO” and it came up because of some stress I was going through with medical things and the medical system and how I’ve had a lot of trauma in many different areas of my life… but we primarily touched on the medical traumas of being dismissed… especially as someone with a chronic pain and fatigue disorder, I've definitely been dismissed quite a bit in my time of trying to interact with the health care system. And it's been really, really challenging. It has resulted in a lot of fears and doubts in myself. It really ties in with a lot of my experiences around being able to stand up and advocate and speak up for myself in various other situations with family, friends, in relationships, and all sorts of situations.
So my session with my somatic embodiment coach, her name is Tara Teng (@MissTaraTeng), helped me to realize how deep my aversion to the word “NO” is. We were just talking and she said to me, “OK, let’s do this little game. Let's do this activity. I want you to say the word ‘NO,’ just say ‘NO’ to me. With no prompts or anything, just say ‘no…’” and I got super uncomfortable. I started shifting in my seat. I started trying to talk around it and continue our conversation and she did try to gently bring me back by saying, “okay, let's just try it whenever you're ready. You just say the word ‘NO.’’ And as I was gearing up to say it... just the fact in itself that I had to kind of prepare myself just to say “NO” spoke a lot to me. But as soon as I tried to push the word out of my mouth, I felt my jaw just lock up and my tongue just glued to the top of my mouth. My jaw just felt stuck. I couldn't even say it in a playful, well not even playful, but in a little activity kind of situation, I wasn’t actually telling her “NO” for anything. And even then, I couldn't say it. It was overwhelming. I didn’t expect that at all. It was very surprising that my body reacted in that way.
When I couldn't say the word, tears just started falling out of my eyes, and my chest got really tight, and I felt like my body was just pushing everything away. I felt really shaky…. it was a really strange experience, especially because I was really aware at that time of all the sensations in my body because of the context of the embodiment session. So I was very, very aware of these sensations, and it was very clear that when my mouth and my voice were unable and unwilling to say the words “NO...” my body started saying “NO” for me and that was a really eye-opening experience because I definitely have seen a pattern of times that I've allowed my boundaries to be crossed, or not spoken up for myself, and like I said, I struggle with a lot of chronic pain/chronic fatigue. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, with a kind of question mark at the end and no other clue as to what could be wrong with me. It seems to be triggered by stress and, of course, a lot of other things too. But the big one is stress and just overdoing stuff and doing more than I should be. My body, I guess, has decided to speak up for me and just say “NO.”
All of this made me reflect a lot about my personal experiences with the word “NO” and how, I guess, growing up I was not really allowed to say “NO.” As a child, “NO” was unacceptable and inappropriate. And you just don't say “NO” to your parents. You just you do what they say, whether you like it or not. And that has carried into a lot of feelings of being controlled, I guess, and unable to speak up for my own needs, my own wants. And it didn't stay within that parental-child relationship. It carried over to every other relationship that I have… that I am not allowed to say “NO.” It's rude, it's unacceptable, and it's disrespectful. And farther down the road, when I started realizing, oh, I NEED to say “NO,” it came out very spiteful, sounding very angry because I hadn’t been allowed to say “NO” for a long time. So by the time that I finally did speak up and say “NO”... I had quite the push back, of course, because I had never said “NO.” I had never had that relationship with anyone to be able to say “NO,” first of all, in a healthy way from my side. But also it's just something that took everyone by surprise and it didn't go well at all. It caused a lot of stress, and a lot of drama.
I have often been told that I sound very angry, which I think can be accurate. I was also labeled as “bossy or controlling” whenever I stood up for myself. (Something that I didn’t mention in the audio is that this is also pretty triggering for me because of how rooted it is in misogyny.). And because of the way I had been held back for so long, I came forward with my “NO” so much more aggressively. So, I guess, I can see how it could come off (as aggressive) in that way. However, being called those things definitely gave that “NO” aversion a lot stronger of a hold on me. Any time after that when I felt the need to say “NO” or I felt a boundary was about to be crossed… I was hesitant to say anything. I was hesitant to say “NO” again, because, well, I tried once or twice… or a few times and it never resulted in the outcome that I was hoping for. It was a lot more of a problem and pushback. Another issue, another trauma.
One of the things that I've been thinking about is just trying to mend my relationship with the word “NO.” And I created some things and drawings and did some art in my sketchbook where I just used watercolor because this is definitely a very calming medium for me. But I wanted to use watercolor to play around and make “NO” feel less scary, less intimidating, more okay, and incorporated into my vocabulary again. I wanted to give myself, and other people… anyone else who needs the reminder that “NO” is not a bad word.
I'm still thinking of ways of reincorporating this into my vocabulary… but one thing that I always loved doing is reflecting and connecting back to the lunar cycle. Tonight is the full moon! At the time of writing this, the full moon will be in Virgo. It's interesting that it comes up at this time, because Virgo is an Earth sign and each astrological sign has a body part that they “rule over” or they're assigned to or have a stronger connection with. Virgo is thought to be connected with our digestion system and intestines.
I wanted to see if there was a way for me to come up with some kind of practice for myself to incorporate that into reconnecting with the word “NO.” What it brought up for me was... with digestion, of course, that connects with nutrition and food. And if you want to be a little vaguer, you can connect it to anything that brings you joy, anything that fills you, or fulfills you. I think acknowledging those things really speaks to the value of being able to know and understand what your body really needs and what your body really wants… which is your “YES.” So during this past week and especially tonight for the full moon, I want to be able to reflect a lot on nourishment, whether that's literal foods that my body wants and needs and wants to say “YES” to or if it’s more general practices, experiences, situations, people… I think you’ll start to feel clearer on connecting to that “YES,” and finding your “YES” of what is good for you, what is valuable to you. I think, then, it's a lot easier to know and be connected to and feel stronger in what your “NO” is—what you don't need or what you don't want or what you don't value.
So that's a practice that I'll be doing. I hope it's something that can be useful to you, something you can think about, whether it's tonight or any time in the future when you're listening to or reading this or watching this. This doesn't have to be done on a Virgo, full moon. It's something you can reflect on at any time. I just want it to be that reminder that “NO” is not a bad word. That framing really holds a lot of major power struggles and lack of consent (when someone is telling you that “NO” is not allowed and not acceptable.) I hope that this practice of finding your “YES” to know what your “NO” is can help you to connect and reconnect to your voice, your intuition, that power that does live inside of you, does live inside of each of us. I hope that this is something that can help you to reclaim that and maybe even step into it for the first time. I know for me, in some ways, it does feel like this is brand new. This is brand new territory. And it can be scary… but I believe in you and we're doing it together. So feel free to connect with me, to reach out, and we'll find our “NO” together.
Hope you have an amazing week and thank you so much for taking the time to listen/read/watch. I Love You all. Byeee.